OverSixty April 2023 Digital

ISSUE 4 | APRIL 2023 | OVERSIXTY.COM.AU 8 OPINION around them, for years. Prince Harry has been candid about his struggles with mental health since his moth- er’s death and his fractured relationship with his wider family. He’s openly admitted to drug use to help him cope with his loss. We see these types of e$ects on people su$ering with complicated grief, as well as the associ- ated trauma when the loss is sudden. Grief isn’t just about what or who was lost, but when the loss occurred. Prince Harry was just 12 when his mother passed away. Psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erik- son tells us this period of development be- tween childhood and adolescence oscillates between a child seeking a sense of identity versus confusion about where they “!t” in the world. It’s a time when young people explore val- ues, beliefs and ideas about who they might become as adults. But this stage of develop- ment is impacted with the loss of a parent to guide them through this period. When a signi!cant loss happens at his life stage, this can destabilise the child for signif- icant periods – well into adulthood – espe- SARAH WAYLAND OPINION “T he thought of her, as always, gave me a jolt of hope, and a burst of energy. And a stab of sorrow.” Prince Harry’s re%ection on his mother Princess Diana in his memoir Spare , chart the prince’s experience of mourning the traumatic death of his mother in public, me- dia intrusion, and its long-term impacts. On face value, Prince Harry may share typical symptoms of people su$ering “com- plicated grief”. But not everyone agrees with how he “shows” his grief so publicly. It’s beenmore than 25 years since the trau- matic death of Prince Harry’s mother after a car crash in Paris. And with his family’s im- mense privilege, it’s easy to assume the need to explore the layers of grief that shape his experiences has passed its use-by date. But the idea of “time healing all wounds” is a myth. Pain is ongoing. And by silencing someone’s pain, this can worsen it. "e pub- lic, health professionals, themedia and fami- ly can all silence someone’s grief byminimis- cially when the death is related to an external cause, such as an accident. Prince Harry has shared this destabilising e$ect and the strain between himself and his surviving parent. Not all siblings experience grief the same way. "ere may be con%ict with the wider family. Long-term studies in the United States show children who have lost a parent do eventually grow to be resilient and forthright individuals. Yet traumatic memories of both the event and the impact of that loss remain just under the surface. Prince Harry’s accounts of his experiences are reminders of what can happen for chil- dren who have experienced trauma. His perspectives about the ways his wife was treated in the media and by his family, may have activated reminders of this past trauma. Grief will have long-term impacts on peo- ple’s wellbeing throughout their lives, espe- cially if they were only a child when the loss occurred. Whenwe look back onwhat helps children to manage their childhood grief, personal agency is key. "ey want to choose how they grieve, and their voice needs to be a priority. "is may mean choosing not to attend performative activities, such as funerals. "is may mean openly sharing their experiences in a way that suits them – at school, work or with families. "is may mean getting angry. An evidence-based national grief program for children in Australia, Seasons for Growth, emphasises the importance of agency. "is includes choosing how to accept the reality of their loss, and !nding ways of voicing the emotional impact of that loss. "is won’t al- ways be through calm, re%ective sharing. It may be through frustrated, angry voices, that suddenly emerge later in life. Even with all the access to therapy, or even family members to speak to, grief will even- tually show up in our thoughts, behaviours and actions. "ere is no discreet way to do it. Grief is both hope and sorrow. ing discussions about the impact of losing a loved one. Twenty years working with grieving peo- ple and researching grief reminds me of the countless people in my counselling rooms re%ecting on the stinging words someone says to them: “it’s time to move on”. Counsellors urge people tomakemeaning of the life lost with those still living. "is can involve sharing memories with family mem- bers about the person lost, remembering happy times, imagining their inclusion in life currently, and always creating space for con- versations about their absence. If people struggle to make meaning of the new life they are forced to live due to their loss, this can lead to long-term reactions known as complex or complicated grief. Complicated grief is a severe, persistent and pervasive longing for the deceased. If the death is sudden and unexpected, the prolonged impact will be greater. People who experience this intensity of grief struggle to engage in everyday life. "is profound distress can a$ect their physical and mental health, and the relationships !e myth of ‘time healing all wounds’ OPINION Sarah Wayland is Associate Professor at the University of New England. !is article originally appeared on theconversation.com Photo: Getty Images