OverSixty July 2023 Digital

ISSUE 5 | JULY 2023 | OVERSIXTY.COM.AU 10 LIVEWELL grieving someone who is still alive. But your experience is legitimate, and it is important to acknowledge your grief feel- ings, says Lal, adding that feeling relief af- ter someone dies is also normal. Talk about it One of the best ways to deal with any grief is to talk about it with others who under- stand, says Lal. Often that will be others who are close to the person you’re feeling anticipatory grief for, but not always. Friends more removed from the situa- tion, hospice counsellors, or members of support groups are all great people with whom to talk about your grief. Raway says she’s found an immense amount of com- fort in sharing her feelings with others. Plan meaningful activities Depending on the situation – for exam- ple, how sick your loved one is – plan ac- tivities you can do together to make good memories during this time, says Lal. !is could include things like playing a favourite game, taking lots of pictures, going on an adventure, keeping a journal, and making video recordings together. !is kind of mourning also o"ers some singular bene#ts, says Trauco. “Anticipatory grief can be helpful in some ways because it motivates you to prepare for the loss, gives you time to say goodbye, and can lead to peace and a feeling of resolution and acceptance.” Take care of yourself Eat a nutritious meal, take a walk outside, get plenty of sleep, and take a hot bath. All of the self-care tasks that were nice be- fore will become necessities when you’re grieving, says Trauco. Put it in perspective Birth and death are the universal expe- riences of this life, and so each person needs to #nd a framework for dealing CHARLOTTE HILTON ANDERSON LIVE WELL H ow do you mourn someone who hasn’t died yet but will inevitably die soon? !ere’s a name for this con- fusing, frustrating, scary feeling – and it’s far more common than you may think, says Gail Trauco, an oncology nurse and grief mediator who’s helped hundreds of patients and their families navigate this painful process. SADNESS FOR WHAT IS COMING “My grief feels like dread,” explains Anna Raway, who over the last few years, has had to watch her beloved mother disap- pear into the haze of Alzheimer’s disease. !ere is grief over what is happening now – her normally patient and loving mum has started having angry outbursts. “She would say and do things that hurt my feelings, and I didn’t know how to handle it,” Raway says. “Also, she can’t re- member lots of things and that also hurts because nobody wants to see their par- ents struggling like that. I’ve cried a lot.” But there’s another element to her grief, one that she has struggled to identify: a feeling of heavy sadness for not just what is happening now but for what she knows is inevitably coming. “Every time I call or visit I worry that she won’t remember me or my family, that she’ll feel lonely because she’s for- gotten we’ve visited, and I mostly just hate to see her su"er in confusion, be- cause I know it’s only going to get worse until…” she says. Alzheimer’s disease lasts until death. Anticipatory grief is the process of griev- ing an expected future tragic event, often the death of a loved one from a terminal illness, explains Ashwini Lal, lead clinical psychologist at the Kaiser Permanente Bernard J. Tyson School of Medicine. “It’s uniquely painful in [that] that which is being grieved still exists,” he says. !e grief comes from the anticipation of the loss, not from the loss itself, and that can be confusing, says Abigail Na- thanson, a social worker who specialises in palliative care, and a professor of grief and trauma. SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF ANTICIPATORY GRIEF All grief is mourning some type of loss, and the process of grieving – while di"er- ent for every person – generally follows a similar pattern. !ere are many di"erent models for grief but broadly speaking, people can expect to experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ac- ceptance. Guilt Grieving in general is not as simple as it may sound and when you add in the an- ticipation of grief it can feel even more complicated, saysNathanson. People suf- fering from this type of grief often have increased feelings of guilt. Coping with the pain of ANTICIPATORY GRIEF Mourning a loss that is expected but hasn’t happened yet can be uniquely challenging with these big issues. Many people #nd this perspective and meaning in religion or spirituality, but the important thing is to #nd what feels right to you, says Lal. Cultural or religious traditions can help in this regard, or if that’s not appropriate, #nd ways that are meaningful to you. Practice radical acceptance A lot of anticipatory grief stems from wishing that things could be di"erent and grieving the fact that they aren’t. However, you can hold both thoughts at the same time, allowing you to accept the heartbreaking situation for exactly what it is while still acknowledging your feelings as valid, says Nathanson. See a grief counsellor Grieving is a normal and expected part of life but you may #nd yourself getting stuck in the process. Grief counsellors are trained to help you navigate these complicated feelings and support you through the process. Be patient with yourself Grief can be intensely painful, and it’s quite understandable that you may want to hurry the process along. Unfortunate- ly, there’s no rushing it, and trying to force yourself to be “over it” can make healing even harder, says Nathanson. Be patient and gentle with yourself during this time of anticipation. “Grief isn’t an illness. It’s not a sign something went wrong. It’s actually a sign something is going right,” Nathanson says. “It’s a sign that you love them.” Mixed emotions “You may beat yourself up and think, ‘I should be enjoying the time I have left with them.’ You may even feel like your grief is ‘giving up’ on your loved one,” says Nathanson. “!ere can be a lot of self-judgement in anticipatory grief.” &RQȵLFW !is type of grief also comes with uniquely di$cult circumstances, says Trauco. !ere are the practical aspects of know- ing someone will die that must be taken care of, like end-of-life planning, #nal wishes, disposition of property, and phys- ical adjustments. !is can cause anxiety and stress, and it’s not uncommon to see an increase in family con%ict during this time – all of which can intensify anticipa- tory grief, she says. Physical symptoms !ough some of the reactions in the grief process will be similar to general grief, anticipatory grief tends to include a greater risk of depression and anxiety, a heightened concern for the dying person, and attempts to adjust to the expected consequences of the death, says Lal. Due to the stressful and sometimes extended nature of this type of grief, you may experience some physical symptoms associated with chronic stress, including stomach problems, over- or under-eating, an increase in addictive behaviours, chest pain, and alcohol abuse, says Trauco. COPING WITH ANTICIPATORY GRIEF “!e goal of grief is not ‘How do I stop being sad?’ but ‘How do I carry this and still live my life in a meaningful way?’” says Nathanson. !ere is no one “right” way to grieve, nor is there a prescription for getting through it. But there are some things that many people #nd helpful during the process, she says. Name it !e #rst step to dealing with this type of grief is being able to identify it for what it is, says Nathanson. Knowing that you are grieving the anticipated loss can help you recognise the source of your feelings and understand them rather than trying to push them away or telling yourself you “shouldn’t” feel that way. Feel it without judging it “Understand that there’s no quota for grief – grieving now doesn’t mean you’ll grieve less later,” says Nathanson. You may #nd yourself feeling some guilt or discomfort with the notion of Knowing you are grieving the anticipated loss can help you recognise the source of your feelings LIVE WELL Recognising anticipatory grief is the !rst step towards working out how to navigate this painful process Photo: Getty Images